A Brain Dump: Just A Few Things

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An entry in my journal just about a year ago

Chapter 1. Madness

There’s nothing like a break up. Fortunately, that’s one of the biggest pains I have felt my entire life. (Because they’re not the worst things in the world that could ever happen to me). But goddamn, it hurts like a bitch. I won’t sugarcoat this post. I was angry. I have been angry since day one of the break up, but slowly that anger began to fade into sadness – the realization that I will never (or at least not any time soon) be able to talk to the person that I once loved (and still love so dearly) anymore. The realization that the person you knew every single aspect of, the person whose only schedule you cared about keeping up with, the only person you’d ever get excited about seeing, your partner in crime, your partner in errands, your partner in everything – they’re gone… and you just kind of have to bite your tongue and suck it up… Because what else could you have done? The relationship had come to a dead end. I could not change him, nor did I even want to. I could not change the way he acted, the words that he spoke, the way he handled fights and arguments… I knew that if the way we conducted our relationship did not make me happy (and if we had exhausted all other methods, in which we did), the best option was to end things. So I did.

Chapter 2. Invite the Sadness in, and Learn to Let It Go

I don’t know what’s worse. Being sad on a beautiful, sunny day or being sad on a cloudy, gloomy day. I feel like I’m wasting away in bed right now when I could be going outside to enjoy the weather. However, if it were cloudy… yes, I would have had a better excuse to stay in, but what’s there to look forward to when even the weather doesn’t seem to be feeling right.

I mean, I know for a fact that I will get better. I know that one day, I will wake up and fewer things I see everyday will remind me of him. I know for a fact that this will be easier over time. It hurts a lot right now, but I am letting the sadness encapsulate me in its nature and when the time comes, I will let it go and move on. I just wish I knew how long that would take or when that day will finally come…

I still have all of my photos of you and photos of us on my phone and all over my room and the photo frame that you made me, yet I can’t bring myself to get rid of them just yet. Because as much as I know it’s over, a part of me knows that if remove those things, it’ll be like you were never there… And how can I just delete a part of my life that I loved and cherish? The chapter may be closed, but the memories don’t have to be forgotten. The “ex-box” will be made when later throughout the healing process.

Chapter 3. “Keep On Keeping On” – A shirt that Childish Gambino wore in a 4 second commercial that stuck with me for weeks

I was a sad mess right before I pulled my laptop and started on this blog post. For a while now, I refused to write when I was sad or upset. It made me even more depressed to read it back. However, writing is an outlet for me and it is the friend that will never refuse to listen to me the days when I want to talk about myself and my dreams and my sadness and my heartbreaks, loves, hates, insecurities, secrets. It does not get tired of me, because it literally cannot! Writing doesn’t just wipe away my tears, it soothes the sadness inside of me. And with the emotionally draining challenges I am put up against, I will always be able to count on the art of writing in order to keep me sane. And with this blog post, I can announce what I COULD NOT announce about 2 hours ago… it’s that I am alright.

*Thank you to everybody who reads my posts. I am still shy about posting these extemely personal ones, but I told myself I would try harder to not be so afraid of such bad judgments as they should not matter if I am truly comfortable with myself. And thank you to the friend that helped me take this leap at continuing my blogging.

Finding Innocence

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Summer 2009 – 13 years old

As requested by a very important person in my life.

When I was a little girl, I did not understand why people would stop eating food or carbs in order to lose some weight, because honestly, what does that do for a person except make them look a different type of way? And to little Michelle, looking the way that you were naturally meant to look meant individuality and uniqueness. Everyone was born different and everyone was meant to be different, whether it be in shape or size. What really mattered to me as a child (a great thank you to disney influences), was a person’s character. What did it matter how much you weighed if you were a beautiful person inside? As a child, I clearly remember telling myself that I didn’t care how I looked or how fat I got because I knew who I was as a person and that gave me all the strength to love being myself in my own skin. Although I was never really fat, I was ridiculed by certain people for how skinny I was. I was underweight for a long time in elementary school and middle school… but I couldn’t do much about that. With all of my innocence, even with all of the pushback I received for being “too skinny,” I continued to love myself and be okay with myself because I knew myself as a person and the way I looked didn’t matter to me. I knew what I liked, the person I wanted to be, and the people I wanted to be friends with. And knowing myself and my values, that was all I needed.

Only did everything change mid-way through high school. This was due to multiple influences of media, other girls at school who were much taller or skinnier or prettier… and it was almost like it was all set up for me to compare myself. I was losing the innocence of my untouched, natural mind. In high school, I admit that I did have issues with my body and eating habits. I would scroll down blogs of really fit, skinny girls, then skip meals and spend time at the gym for 2-3 hours a day, 6 days a week. I restricted myself to a lot of different foods and would feel guilty for snacking. Nobody should ever feel guilty for eating food. I even spent a stupid amount of money on a “detox” tea that merely contained lots of laxatives. I’ve been to therapy sessions for this matter and cut ties with people who triggered insecurities about my weight. I lost who I was. I succumbed to the values of the mass and let myself stray from the innocence of know what really mattered most in life. Only up until a year ago was when I decided that I needed to stop battling with myself. I am on my own side and before I expect anybody else to love me, I need to learn how to love my own self. There was one point that I thought to myself that once you have an eating disorder, it never really goes away because in the back of your head, you’ll always be thinking about the numbers and the carbs and that fat intake and it’s going to taunt you. However, with enough time and enough good influences I have found in my life, I have let myself forgive and forget. It’s been an uphill battle, but I am slowly rekindling my untouched, innocent 13 year old mind.

Right now at this point, I’ve overcome the negative relationship I had with food. As ironic as it sounds though, I have lost my values as a person (something that my 13 year old self never questioned), meaning I don’t really know what I truly like and dislike (is it really what I like… or is it what I think is cool to like?) or how I should or shouldn’t act (should I be a nice girl or act like a boss ass bitch who doesn’t take shit from anyone????) I don’t know where to draw lines between people I should hang out with because I genuinely like them or because I know that they like me a lot, so I should like them back??? These are all things my old, innocent mind would have never questioned. I know these are very small and trivial things to think about and they should be obvious, but I just can’t seem to figure out what I want and what I should do… I’m working on it and trying to go back and find my innocent mind, the mind that was unscathed by the rally of people using “fat” as a synonym to “ugly,” and the voices that would tell me that if I were fat, nobody would love me. I must find that innocent mind that told me that being a good person was all I needed to do in order to love and accept myself, and I am constantly reminding myself that to remember these things everyday.

Either way, I am currently figuring it all out as I go along, and a lot more with the help of my boyfriend and best friends, I am slowly but surely finding the true values that are deeply hidden within the innocence of my 13 year old self.

*After rereading this for the first time hours after publishing it, I realized I made a ton of typos.. but that was because I felt a bit uncomfortable with the personal material I posted on here which is why I chose not to proofread it and just make the decision to publish it. So bear with me and my many typos here. Thank you.

What Makes A Person Attractive

 

 

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Over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to meet some great people in my life. Here are some of the best qualities I’ve picked out of some of my favorite people

  • The way your belly sticks out after you’ve just eaten a meal and you’re not trying to look good, but you do anyways
  • The way your face lights up and your body swings into full motion when you’re telling a story
  • The ambition in your eyes and the power in your step when you really want something
  • How although when 7 things go wrong, you’re still looking up because of that 8th thing that went right
  • The natural way your words flow out of your mouth and you can go on and on about something you’re passionate about, regardless of what others might think
  • Your extremely ugly laugh, but it’s beautiful nonetheless because it remarks genuine happiness
  • How frantic you can get when 2 strands of hair fall out of place
  • The way you express your opinions unapologetically
  • When you offer to go out of your way to do something for someone just to make their life easier
  • Your smile that never rests
  • The way when someone compliments you, you lose all your words and can’t stop smiling
  • Your favorite past times, like blogging and dancing and singing and exercising
  • How you’re very understanding when I don’t call for a week because you understand that life can get hectic.
  • When you pay for your friends, not because you expect anything in return, but because you want to

Beauty isn’t always the way a person looks. I find beauty in the way people live their life on a day to day basis, how they react to things, their personal mannerisms. Beauty is more than just skin deep.

21 Things I Learned By 20

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  1. Life ain’t that serious
  2. Date the person you want to date, regardless of what other people say
  3. You will never meet enough people in your life
  4. If you like Starbucks, Justin Bieber, and pop music, embrace it. There’s nothing wrong with being “basic”.
  5. Friends will come and go. It’s up to you to figure out which ones are worth fighting for and letting go.
  6. You gotta break the rules.
  7. Take photos. Lots of them. Take them everyday. Too many is better than none at all.
  8. It’s nice to write things down in journals…
  9. Don’t be afraid to admit you’re wrong. Not everybody is right all the time.
  10. Religion is never a good topic to argue over.
  11. People only care how pretty you are to a certain extent. What really matters is personality.
  12. John Cheng is a buttcrack.
  13. Never pass up an opportunity to travel. Immerse and educate yourself in different cultures whenever you have the chance!
  14. People love differently and show love differently from you. It doesn’t necessarily mean they love you any less.
  15. Confidence is the sexiest attribute in a person.
  16. The way a person tells a story and the way a person writes, portrays the way they view life.
  17. If you like singing, dancing, any type of art. Don’t hinder yourself just because you think you suck.
  18. It’s never too late to start a new hobby.
  19. Not everybody will like you, no matter how much you TRY to please them. So do yourself a favor and please YOURSELF before you please anyone else.
  20. Sometimes when someone tells you a problem, they don’t always want advice… they just want someone to listen. Respect that.
  21. The only failure is not trying.

Pilot

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A photo that probably accurately describes my personality I think lol

Hi everybody! My name is Michelle and welcome to my blog, where you’ll find an unleashed and uncensored scroll of thoughts from my brain. I’ll be honest – I’m not the best writer in the world, but I try.. and I can say that’s better than not trying at all! As they say, “you might not be the best runner, but at least you’re lapping everyone on the couch,” …or something of that sort. I figured I had a lot of free time on my hands, a lot of thoughts in my head, and maybe not enough outlets to strain the mess that entangle in my brain.

Here are some of my goals to achieve with this blog!

  1. I will learn to unapologetically be myself and voice my opinions
  2. Hopefully at least one person can relate with me lol
  3. Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll be consistent with SOMETHING for once in my life???
  4. Self-identification
  5. Become better at writing or something

If you’re still reading and if you’re still interested, imagine a tear rolling down my cheek. Thank you :’)

If you don’t know much about me, here’s a list of 10 (random but hopefully interesting) things about myself!

  1. I sweat a lot from my armpits, especially when it’s cold or when I am giving a presentation. (Think of a waterfall)
  2. I like to buy books, plan to read them, and then let them sit on my book shelf to collect dust instead.
  3. I low-key get excited when I see someone call my phone.
  4. I’m not an awkward person, but I can get extremely, uncomfortably awkward when I interact with someone awkward.
  5. My hobbies include lifting weights, watching Ted Talks about self-confidence, and talking about personal feelings and self-evaluation.
  6. I feel uncomfortable talking about controversial topics, like politics, if my closeness level with you isn’t at 11/10.
  7. I’m an ENFP if you’re into the MBTI personality tests.
  8. My biggest desire is to travel the world with people I love, but I am too scared and too broke for that matter.
  9. I am Buddhist.
  10. I’m not exactly shy – just naturally a quiet person and it’s actually extremely exhausting for me to carry conversations when I feel too pressured to do so.

Thank you for reading if you actually finished! 🙂 More blog entries will be coming soon and I hope someone finds interest in them, so stay tuned. If not, then OK lol.