A Downward Spiral

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An irrelevant photo of a bank in Georgetown, DC

As my network expands, I realize that a lot of negative and positive interactions will come with it. Friends will come and go. Your heart will be broken, and people you thought were true to you, instead may cut you off without telling you. And there’s really nothing that you can control. But if you stay true to yourself, if you stay true to your good intentions, better things will come your way and you’ll naturally attract people who were meant to be there for you… and at the end of the day, you’ll know for sure who your real friends are.

So since I love lists so much, here are a few things to remember for when you feel like the world is pummeling you down into a pit, like I’ve been feeling this whole entire week.

  1. True friends will always be there for you no matter what at the end of the day
  2. True friends don’t make assumptions and preconceived ideas of you based on what they heard. Instead, they would make their own based on their interactions with you
  3. People will say things about you that are untrue. It’s life.
  4. If you don’t feel like you have anyone, your family will always love you. Family will be there for you no matter what.
  5. If you’ve done wrong, realize that you’ve done wrong. No more beating yourself up for it. Pick yourself up and learn from that mistake. You, in yourself, will know that you are better.
  6. Don’t chase after people!!
  7. “Don’t waste your time with explanations. People only hear what they want to hear.” – Paul Coelho
  8. Be true to yourself and don’t force a friendship or relationship. Friendship is a two way street.
  9. Don’t pay attention to the negatives of what people say. It may hurt. But don’t counter that with more negativity. Instead, encapsulate yourself with positive people who make your life happier.
  10. Don’t take things so personally. Life is short. And people will be people.
  11. People have opinions. Opinions are natural.
  12. Not 100% of people will like you. It’s not your fault. It would be unreal if they did.
  13. Keep your head up. It’s not the end of the world. Out of 20 people who hate you, there are 80 more who love you.

A Brain Dump: Just A Few Things

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An entry in my journal just about a year ago

Chapter 1. Madness

There’s nothing like a break up. Fortunately, that’s one of the biggest pains I have felt my entire life. (Because they’re not the worst things in the world that could ever happen to me). But goddamn, it hurts like a bitch. I won’t sugarcoat this post. I was angry. I have been angry since day one of the break up, but slowly that anger began to fade into sadness – the realization that I will never (or at least not any time soon) be able to talk to the person that I once loved (and still love so dearly) anymore. The realization that the person you knew every single aspect of, the person whose only schedule you cared about keeping up with, the only person you’d ever get excited about seeing, your partner in crime, your partner in errands, your partner in everything – they’re gone… and you just kind of have to bite your tongue and suck it up… Because what else could you have done? The relationship had come to a dead end. I could not change him, nor did I even want to. I could not change the way he acted, the words that he spoke, the way he handled fights and arguments… I knew that if the way we conducted our relationship did not make me happy (and if we had exhausted all other methods, in which we did), the best option was to end things. So I did.

Chapter 2. Invite the Sadness in, and Learn to Let It Go

I don’t know what’s worse. Being sad on a beautiful, sunny day or being sad on a cloudy, gloomy day. I feel like I’m wasting away in bed right now when I could be going outside to enjoy the weather. However, if it were cloudy… yes, I would have had a better excuse to stay in, but what’s there to look forward to when even the weather doesn’t seem to be feeling right.

I mean, I know for a fact that I will get better. I know that one day, I will wake up and fewer things I see everyday will remind me of him. I know for a fact that this will be easier over time. It hurts a lot right now, but I am letting the sadness encapsulate me in its nature and when the time comes, I will let it go and move on. I just wish I knew how long that would take or when that day will finally come…

I still have all of my photos of you and photos of us on my phone and all over my room and the photo frame that you made me, yet I can’t bring myself to get rid of them just yet. Because as much as I know it’s over, a part of me knows that if remove those things, it’ll be like you were never there… And how can I just delete a part of my life that I loved and cherish? The chapter may be closed, but the memories don’t have to be forgotten. The “ex-box” will be made when later throughout the healing process.

Chapter 3. “Keep On Keeping On” – A shirt that Childish Gambino wore in a 4 second commercial that stuck with me for weeks

I was a sad mess right before I pulled my laptop and started on this blog post. For a while now, I refused to write when I was sad or upset. It made me even more depressed to read it back. However, writing is an outlet for me and it is the friend that will never refuse to listen to me the days when I want to talk about myself and my dreams and my sadness and my heartbreaks, loves, hates, insecurities, secrets. It does not get tired of me, because it literally cannot! Writing doesn’t just wipe away my tears, it soothes the sadness inside of me. And with the emotionally draining challenges I am put up against, I will always be able to count on the art of writing in order to keep me sane. And with this blog post, I can announce what I COULD NOT announce about 2 hours ago… it’s that I am alright.

*Thank you to everybody who reads my posts. I am still shy about posting these extemely personal ones, but I told myself I would try harder to not be so afraid of such bad judgments as they should not matter if I am truly comfortable with myself. And thank you to the friend that helped me take this leap at continuing my blogging.

Finding Innocence

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Summer 2009 – 13 years old

As requested by a very important person in my life.

When I was a little girl, I did not understand why people would stop eating food or carbs in order to lose some weight, because honestly, what does that do for a person except make them look a different type of way? And to little Michelle, looking the way that you were naturally meant to look meant individuality and uniqueness. Everyone was born different and everyone was meant to be different, whether it be in shape or size. What really mattered to me as a child (a great thank you to disney influences), was a person’s character. What did it matter how much you weighed if you were a beautiful person inside? As a child, I clearly remember telling myself that I didn’t care how I looked or how fat I got because I knew who I was as a person and that gave me all the strength to love being myself in my own skin. Although I was never really fat, I was ridiculed by certain people for how skinny I was. I was underweight for a long time in elementary school and middle school… but I couldn’t do much about that. With all of my innocence, even with all of the pushback I received for being “too skinny,” I continued to love myself and be okay with myself because I knew myself as a person and the way I looked didn’t matter to me. I knew what I liked, the person I wanted to be, and the people I wanted to be friends with. And knowing myself and my values, that was all I needed.

Only did everything change mid-way through high school. This was due to multiple influences of media, other girls at school who were much taller or skinnier or prettier… and it was almost like it was all set up for me to compare myself. I was losing the innocence of my untouched, natural mind. In high school, I admit that I did have issues with my body and eating habits. I would scroll down blogs of really fit, skinny girls, then skip meals and spend time at the gym for 2-3 hours a day, 6 days a week. I restricted myself to a lot of different foods and would feel guilty for snacking. Nobody should ever feel guilty for eating food. I even spent a stupid amount of money on a “detox” tea that merely contained lots of laxatives. I’ve been to therapy sessions for this matter and cut ties with people who triggered insecurities about my weight. I lost who I was. I succumbed to the values of the mass and let myself stray from the innocence of know what really mattered most in life. Only up until a year ago was when I decided that I needed to stop battling with myself. I am on my own side and before I expect anybody else to love me, I need to learn how to love my own self. There was one point that I thought to myself that once you have an eating disorder, it never really goes away because in the back of your head, you’ll always be thinking about the numbers and the carbs and that fat intake and it’s going to taunt you. However, with enough time and enough good influences I have found in my life, I have let myself forgive and forget. It’s been an uphill battle, but I am slowly rekindling my untouched, innocent 13 year old mind.

Right now at this point, I’ve overcome the negative relationship I had with food. As ironic as it sounds though, I have lost my values as a person (something that my 13 year old self never questioned), meaning I don’t really know what I truly like and dislike (is it really what I like… or is it what I think is cool to like?) or how I should or shouldn’t act (should I be a nice girl or act like a boss ass bitch who doesn’t take shit from anyone????) I don’t know where to draw lines between people I should hang out with because I genuinely like them or because I know that they like me a lot, so I should like them back??? These are all things my old, innocent mind would have never questioned. I know these are very small and trivial things to think about and they should be obvious, but I just can’t seem to figure out what I want and what I should do… I’m working on it and trying to go back and find my innocent mind, the mind that was unscathed by the rally of people using “fat” as a synonym to “ugly,” and the voices that would tell me that if I were fat, nobody would love me. I must find that innocent mind that told me that being a good person was all I needed to do in order to love and accept myself, and I am constantly reminding myself that to remember these things everyday.

Either way, I am currently figuring it all out as I go along, and a lot more with the help of my boyfriend and best friends, I am slowly but surely finding the true values that are deeply hidden within the innocence of my 13 year old self.

*After rereading this for the first time hours after publishing it, I realized I made a ton of typos.. but that was because I felt a bit uncomfortable with the personal material I posted on here which is why I chose not to proofread it and just make the decision to publish it. So bear with me and my many typos here. Thank you.

SOLAYM: Pride & Prejudice

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Everyone in their lifetime hits a point of judgment and prejudice. A lot of people hit a point of actually caring about these prejudices, while the few lucky ones just don’t. I had no experience with negative assumptions and judgment.. or at least a care for it up until now. Because I was such a quiet person growing up, I knew that nobody had a reason to dislike me… and those who didn’t like me… well, I knew they didn’t know me so they had no good reason to so I just brushed that off my shoulder.

At this point in my life as a 20 year old constantly meeting new people and networking, I am extending my arms out to hundreds of people every year. I am making conversation, making judgments about people as they are with me… However, this past year has hit me harder than ever. I have heard many rumors about me, presumptions about me, lots of different judgments. I guess that’s what happens when your network starts to grow… the more people who know you, the more people who are prone to talking about you. It’s gotten to me more than I should have let it, though my skin is still in the process of thickening… but this occurrence has helped me realize I am still as fragile as a thin layer of ice on a lake of the first day of winter.

Now for the most part, I just shrug and say I don’t care… but I actually just internally let myself feel the wrath of the accusations circulating around my network of acquaintances… and then I try to let it go. It isn’t always easy, but I know much better that recirculating all that hatred and prejudice also is poisonous for the mind.

With a lot of thought put into it, I have come to the conclusion that fighting fire with fire doesn’t put out the flames, and that two wrongs logically do not make a right. I know I must realize that people will have opinions and that “what they think of me is none of my business.” That is the best way to live. Like Kid Cudi said, “they gon’ judge me anyway, so whatever”. To live a life with a healthy mind, I must rid myself of negative feelings towards those with poorly preconceived ideas of me. I know in my heart and soul that I try to be as nice as a person I can be, as understanding of person I can be, as polite, considerate, and intelligent of a person I can be, and if that isn’t enough for somebody else… then I guess the only problem is their problem. As cloudy as my mind may get from all of this negativity, I must remind myself to be better than that. I refuse to let these negative opinions of me get in the way of my growth and confidence. It’s been a difficult journey with all of these negative people buzzing in and out, through and around my ears, trying to drag me down… but I am strong. And for those who have a problem with me, those negative feelings is just your energy used up against me. And with the power of myself in respect to Buddha and his teachings, I emancipate myself of all of the fucks I have given to those who have talked shit about me in the past, still talk shit about me, and will continue to talk shit about me in the future because it is not worth my emotions or time. Thank you.

Here are 2 incredible quotes that inspire me:

I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.” – Coco Chanel

My philosophy is: It’s none of my business what people say of me and think of me. I am what I am and I do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. And it makes life so much easier.” – Anthony Hopkins

*For more posts and pictures of positivity, visit http://www.solaym.tumblr.com. I have had this blog for a few years now and constantly always look back at it when I need inspiration and enlightenment for those bad days.