Autumn: The Season of New Beginnings

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“Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.” – The Great Gasby

There are things in this world, that for whatever reason, do not work out. Family issues, anticipated exam grades, relationships, friendships, driving incidents… We’ve been through the everlasting fights and the painful heartbreaks, and sometimes we just have to realize that there is nothing that you can do except to accept and let go. I’ve learned a lot about accepting and letting go this past year. Whether it be the pain of an ended friendship with a person whom you once called your “best friend,” or the pain of loving a person who did not have the capacity to love you the same way. You can’t change people and you can’t change their opinions or their actions. You can only change how you react to the circumstances you are put in. I think that is one of the most important things I have learned in my life to this day.

This fall, I am actively utilizing this time to work on what I haven’t been this whole time: Myself. For the past 20 years of my life, Summer had always been my favorite season of all time and I never really liked autumn… but these past few autumns have been some of the most significant autumns in my life. Last autumn was the beginning of a new relationship, a new school, a new environment – this autumn is not the ending, this autumn is the beginning of a new era in my life in which I will stand up for myself more often, go out and do things that make me happy, and really indulge in every single moment that I am living in. I will surround myself with people who build me up, love me for my quirks, and accept me for the complicated ever-changing, spontaneous person that I am. It’s been difficult lately, but I know that life gets better and I have love all around me. I am so hopeful of that. I declare this to be another life-changing season, and I cannot wait to take on the challenges that are to come ahead of me.

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Finding Innocence

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Summer 2009 – 13 years old

As requested by a very important person in my life.

When I was a little girl, I did not understand why people would stop eating food or carbs in order to lose some weight, because honestly, what does that do for a person except make them look a different type of way? And to little Michelle, looking the way that you were naturally meant to look meant individuality and uniqueness. Everyone was born different and everyone was meant to be different, whether it be in shape or size. What really mattered to me as a child (a great thank you to disney influences), was a person’s character. What did it matter how much you weighed if you were a beautiful person inside? As a child, I clearly remember telling myself that I didn’t care how I looked or how fat I got because I knew who I was as a person and that gave me all the strength to love being myself in my own skin. Although I was never really fat, I was ridiculed by certain people for how skinny I was. I was underweight for a long time in elementary school and middle school… but I couldn’t do much about that. With all of my innocence, even with all of the pushback I received for being “too skinny,” I continued to love myself and be okay with myself because I knew myself as a person and the way I looked didn’t matter to me. I knew what I liked, the person I wanted to be, and the people I wanted to be friends with. And knowing myself and my values, that was all I needed.

Only did everything change mid-way through high school. This was due to multiple influences of media, other girls at school who were much taller or skinnier or prettier… and it was almost like it was all set up for me to compare myself. I was losing the innocence of my untouched, natural mind. In high school, I admit that I did have issues with my body and eating habits. I would scroll down blogs of really fit, skinny girls, then skip meals and spend time at the gym for 2-3 hours a day, 6 days a week. I restricted myself to a lot of different foods and would feel guilty for snacking. Nobody should ever feel guilty for eating food. I even spent a stupid amount of money on a “detox” tea that merely contained lots of laxatives. I’ve been to therapy sessions for this matter and cut ties with people who triggered insecurities about my weight. I lost who I was. I succumbed to the values of the mass and let myself stray from the innocence of know what really mattered most in life. Only up until a year ago was when I decided that I needed to stop battling with myself. I am on my own side and before I expect anybody else to love me, I need to learn how to love my own self. There was one point that I thought to myself that once you have an eating disorder, it never really goes away because in the back of your head, you’ll always be thinking about the numbers and the carbs and that fat intake and it’s going to taunt you. However, with enough time and enough good influences I have found in my life, I have let myself forgive and forget. It’s been an uphill battle, but I am slowly rekindling my untouched, innocent 13 year old mind.

Right now at this point, I’ve overcome the negative relationship I had with food. As ironic as it sounds though, I have lost my values as a person (something that my 13 year old self never questioned), meaning I don’t really know what I truly like and dislike (is it really what I like… or is it what I think is cool to like?) or how I should or shouldn’t act (should I be a nice girl or act like a boss ass bitch who doesn’t take shit from anyone????) I don’t know where to draw lines between people I should hang out with because I genuinely like them or because I know that they like me a lot, so I should like them back??? These are all things my old, innocent mind would have never questioned. I know these are very small and trivial things to think about and they should be obvious, but I just can’t seem to figure out what I want and what I should do… I’m working on it and trying to go back and find my innocent mind, the mind that was unscathed by the rally of people using “fat” as a synonym to “ugly,” and the voices that would tell me that if I were fat, nobody would love me. I must find that innocent mind that told me that being a good person was all I needed to do in order to love and accept myself, and I am constantly reminding myself that to remember these things everyday.

Either way, I am currently figuring it all out as I go along, and a lot more with the help of my boyfriend and best friends, I am slowly but surely finding the true values that are deeply hidden within the innocence of my 13 year old self.

*After rereading this for the first time hours after publishing it, I realized I made a ton of typos.. but that was because I felt a bit uncomfortable with the personal material I posted on here which is why I chose not to proofread it and just make the decision to publish it. So bear with me and my many typos here. Thank you.

SOLAYM: Pride & Prejudice

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Everyone in their lifetime hits a point of judgment and prejudice. A lot of people hit a point of actually caring about these prejudices, while the few lucky ones just don’t. I had no experience with negative assumptions and judgment.. or at least a care for it up until now. Because I was such a quiet person growing up, I knew that nobody had a reason to dislike me… and those who didn’t like me… well, I knew they didn’t know me so they had no good reason to so I just brushed that off my shoulder.

At this point in my life as a 20 year old constantly meeting new people and networking, I am extending my arms out to hundreds of people every year. I am making conversation, making judgments about people as they are with me… However, this past year has hit me harder than ever. I have heard many rumors about me, presumptions about me, lots of different judgments. I guess that’s what happens when your network starts to grow… the more people who know you, the more people who are prone to talking about you. It’s gotten to me more than I should have let it, though my skin is still in the process of thickening… but this occurrence has helped me realize I am still as fragile as a thin layer of ice on a lake of the first day of winter.

Now for the most part, I just shrug and say I don’t care… but I actually just internally let myself feel the wrath of the accusations circulating around my network of acquaintances… and then I try to let it go. It isn’t always easy, but I know much better that recirculating all that hatred and prejudice also is poisonous for the mind.

With a lot of thought put into it, I have come to the conclusion that fighting fire with fire doesn’t put out the flames, and that two wrongs logically do not make a right. I know I must realize that people will have opinions and that “what they think of me is none of my business.” That is the best way to live. Like Kid Cudi said, “they gon’ judge me anyway, so whatever”. To live a life with a healthy mind, I must rid myself of negative feelings towards those with poorly preconceived ideas of me. I know in my heart and soul that I try to be as nice as a person I can be, as understanding of person I can be, as polite, considerate, and intelligent of a person I can be, and if that isn’t enough for somebody else… then I guess the only problem is their problem. As cloudy as my mind may get from all of this negativity, I must remind myself to be better than that. I refuse to let these negative opinions of me get in the way of my growth and confidence. It’s been a difficult journey with all of these negative people buzzing in and out, through and around my ears, trying to drag me down… but I am strong. And for those who have a problem with me, those negative feelings is just your energy used up against me. And with the power of myself in respect to Buddha and his teachings, I emancipate myself of all of the fucks I have given to those who have talked shit about me in the past, still talk shit about me, and will continue to talk shit about me in the future because it is not worth my emotions or time. Thank you.

Here are 2 incredible quotes that inspire me:

I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.” – Coco Chanel

My philosophy is: It’s none of my business what people say of me and think of me. I am what I am and I do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. And it makes life so much easier.” – Anthony Hopkins

*For more posts and pictures of positivity, visit http://www.solaym.tumblr.com. I have had this blog for a few years now and constantly always look back at it when I need inspiration and enlightenment for those bad days.

What Makes A Person Attractive

 

 

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Over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to meet some great people in my life. Here are some of the best qualities I’ve picked out of some of my favorite people

  • The way your belly sticks out after you’ve just eaten a meal and you’re not trying to look good, but you do anyways
  • The way your face lights up and your body swings into full motion when you’re telling a story
  • The ambition in your eyes and the power in your step when you really want something
  • How although when 7 things go wrong, you’re still looking up because of that 8th thing that went right
  • The natural way your words flow out of your mouth and you can go on and on about something you’re passionate about, regardless of what others might think
  • Your extremely ugly laugh, but it’s beautiful nonetheless because it remarks genuine happiness
  • How frantic you can get when 2 strands of hair fall out of place
  • The way you express your opinions unapologetically
  • When you offer to go out of your way to do something for someone just to make their life easier
  • Your smile that never rests
  • The way when someone compliments you, you lose all your words and can’t stop smiling
  • Your favorite past times, like blogging and dancing and singing and exercising
  • How you’re very understanding when I don’t call for a week because you understand that life can get hectic.
  • When you pay for your friends, not because you expect anything in return, but because you want to

Beauty isn’t always the way a person looks. I find beauty in the way people live their life on a day to day basis, how they react to things, their personal mannerisms. Beauty is more than just skin deep.

21 Things I Learned By 20

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  1. Life ain’t that serious
  2. Date the person you want to date, regardless of what other people say
  3. You will never meet enough people in your life
  4. If you like Starbucks, Justin Bieber, and pop music, embrace it. There’s nothing wrong with being “basic”.
  5. Friends will come and go. It’s up to you to figure out which ones are worth fighting for and letting go.
  6. You gotta break the rules.
  7. Take photos. Lots of them. Take them everyday. Too many is better than none at all.
  8. It’s nice to write things down in journals…
  9. Don’t be afraid to admit you’re wrong. Not everybody is right all the time.
  10. Religion is never a good topic to argue over.
  11. People only care how pretty you are to a certain extent. What really matters is personality.
  12. John Cheng is a buttcrack.
  13. Never pass up an opportunity to travel. Immerse and educate yourself in different cultures whenever you have the chance!
  14. People love differently and show love differently from you. It doesn’t necessarily mean they love you any less.
  15. Confidence is the sexiest attribute in a person.
  16. The way a person tells a story and the way a person writes, portrays the way they view life.
  17. If you like singing, dancing, any type of art. Don’t hinder yourself just because you think you suck.
  18. It’s never too late to start a new hobby.
  19. Not everybody will like you, no matter how much you TRY to please them. So do yourself a favor and please YOURSELF before you please anyone else.
  20. Sometimes when someone tells you a problem, they don’t always want advice… they just want someone to listen. Respect that.
  21. The only failure is not trying.

Pilot

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A photo that probably accurately describes my personality I think lol

Hi everybody! My name is Michelle and welcome to my blog, where you’ll find an unleashed and uncensored scroll of thoughts from my brain. I’ll be honest – I’m not the best writer in the world, but I try.. and I can say that’s better than not trying at all! As they say, “you might not be the best runner, but at least you’re lapping everyone on the couch,” …or something of that sort. I figured I had a lot of free time on my hands, a lot of thoughts in my head, and maybe not enough outlets to strain the mess that entangle in my brain.

Here are some of my goals to achieve with this blog!

  1. I will learn to unapologetically be myself and voice my opinions
  2. Hopefully at least one person can relate with me lol
  3. Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll be consistent with SOMETHING for once in my life???
  4. Self-identification
  5. Become better at writing or something

If you’re still reading and if you’re still interested, imagine a tear rolling down my cheek. Thank you :’)

If you don’t know much about me, here’s a list of 10 (random but hopefully interesting) things about myself!

  1. I sweat a lot from my armpits, especially when it’s cold or when I am giving a presentation. (Think of a waterfall)
  2. I like to buy books, plan to read them, and then let them sit on my book shelf to collect dust instead.
  3. I low-key get excited when I see someone call my phone.
  4. I’m not an awkward person, but I can get extremely, uncomfortably awkward when I interact with someone awkward.
  5. My hobbies include lifting weights, watching Ted Talks about self-confidence, and talking about personal feelings and self-evaluation.
  6. I feel uncomfortable talking about controversial topics, like politics, if my closeness level with you isn’t at 11/10.
  7. I’m an ENFP if you’re into the MBTI personality tests.
  8. My biggest desire is to travel the world with people I love, but I am too scared and too broke for that matter.
  9. I am Buddhist.
  10. I’m not exactly shy – just naturally a quiet person and it’s actually extremely exhausting for me to carry conversations when I feel too pressured to do so.

Thank you for reading if you actually finished! 🙂 More blog entries will be coming soon and I hope someone finds interest in them, so stay tuned. If not, then OK lol.